top of page
Calvin Ryan

Gum-chewers f*ck up a Monday


Sole of the Nike Free Run: home to pebbles, dirt, turf beads, sticks, and bugs?

The sun is starting to shine, the flowers are starting to bloom, the grass is getting greener, the air is warmer, the days are longer, and the birds are chirping. Spring is here.

Spring may be the best time of year for a walk. We can drag our hibernating peers out of their layers of clothes, fuzzy socks, and cozy beds and into the outside world as we stroll on mini-adventures in shorts, T-shirts, and sneakers.

Fresh air, fresh new season…fresh breath? Yeah, why not. Let’s be one with nature, let’s be fresh, let’s chew some gum on this walk.

Now, think about that piece of gum. It runs out of flavor eventually. You grow sick and tired of chewing what suddenly feels like tasteless rubber. You want to dispose of the gum, so you spit it out of your mouth, onto the ground, and keep on with the walk.

Gosh darn it — I was excited to blog about something else this morning, but this needs to be addressed first.

I woke up this morning ready to begin writing. I went through my quick little morning routine, put on my outfit that I set out lastnight, watched a Monday motivation video on an Instagram story, and I was ready to get on with my day. I put my socks on and walked across my bedroom toward my sneakers, a pair of 2018 Nike Free Runs. I lifted one shoe up by its tongue, stretching out the sneaker to fit my foot inside, and suddenly, the Monday Scaries hit.

A swarm of 20 baby ants fled out from the floorboard where my left shoe had sat. I gagged, held back last night’s dinner, shook the heebie-jeebies out of my shoulders, grabbed my boot, and smacked the ever-living shit out of those ants.

Bugs in the bedroom? At 7:40 a.m. on a Monday? It’s honestly quite comical.

I reverted to wearing my Crocs instead and tossed my sneakers into the bathroom, soon to be dealt with. I searched for a mysterious cause for the presence of the ant family, but could not find one. I grabbed the Swiffer, threw on a wet cloth, and wiped down the floorboards in my bedroom. It was time to investigate my sneakers.

I picked up the left shoe, flipped it over, and found the culprit: a green piece of once minty gum, covered in grass, turf beads, and dirt weaved inside the many different crevices of the hexagonal patterned surface of the soles.

I was boiling, upset, and grossed out. I could not believe an old piece of gum from the streets of Chapel Hill had found its way into my home via my shoe yesterday. Unless you have gum remover spray, which I’m sure is not an incredibly common household item, shoes that are troubled with old gum are an absolute nightmare. As I picked at my shoe with a knife — only managing to extract sand-sized bits at a time because the substance was stuck tight to many surfaces — more ants hidden beneath the gum scurried off my shoe. I picked at my shoe for a half hour trying my best to remove the sticky waste, before scrubbing down the soles to remove any more remnants of the sugary, rubbery enemy of mine. Happy Monday.

Spitting gum on the ground is selfish. It should be criminal. Be considerate about and patient with your gum. There are obvious concerns with gum's relationship with nature including its length of time to decompose as well as health issues for animals and fish that consume it, but trust me you do not want it in your shoes.

Please dispose of your gum properly. I’m pretty sure the old “it takes seven years to digest gum” thing is a myth too. Swallow it. Throw it in the trash. Stick it in your sister’s hair. Just do not spit your gum on the ground!

Comments


bottom of page