Little bugs crawled up my spine, onto my shoulders, and down to my chest. I sat still in my desk chair. The ringing of my ears boomed louder and louder, shooting heavy pressure to my temples. In my bedroom, I could not decide if I was hot or cold, so I switched between stripping naked and bundling up several times in an hour. I resorted to superstitious habits to manage through my dwindling seconds of free time — I paced from bedroom to kitchen to allow myself to think; I drank gallons of water to stay hydrated for the day; I brushed my teeth three times throughout the day because I’m more productive with a clean mouth. Time’s up! I successfully wasted my only hour of personal time to relax.
This all really is the standard for everyone. We just choose to hide our mental health battles from others.
This past fall semester was one of the most anxiety-inducing, overwhelming few months of my life. While a phenomenal semester that I would do ten times over, I struggled.
Going to class, doing homework, studying for exams, creating presentations, meeting at office hours, writing emails, drawing up soccer practices, playing in practices, driving to games, lifting in weight room sessions, organizing budgets, writing checks, engaging in club meetings, leading executive board meetings, calling my parents, cooking meals, going to bars, seeing friends, hanging with roommates.
Yeah, I became a coffee drinker.
Sometimes I wonder if being in college is the busiest I will ever be in my life. Or, is it the start of the so-called “real world”?
Despite all of these activities making my days so busy, I enjoyed my week-to-week so much and did not want to cut anything out of my life. But, this busy schedule limited my necessary personal time, which allowed anxious and overwhelming feelings to strangle me, holding me in a perpetually uncomfortable state.
I looked for solutions to regain just a little bit more control over my life and mental health, and I found one thing that connected every single activity that made each day so busy: my cell phone.
Realistically, I probably spend less time on my cell phone than most people. Like most people, my cell phone has become a helpful tool for completing my daily routine. However, I’ve noticed how this “helpful tool” has infuriating byproducts where little moments of time-wasting on my phone add up and increase my daily stress.
Task: Get dressed.
Time: 9 a.m.
Internal voice: “Like, why the fuck did you just check the weather app for the sixth time this morning? Why can’t you just remember what the weather will be after the first five times of checking?”
Task: Forgotten.
Time: 12:30 p.m.
Internal voice: “How the hell did you just start watching Brady Manek NCAA tournament highlights? Why did you even go on my phone in the first place? Oh well, here comes that anxious feeling again because you forgot what you needed to do.”
Task: Call mom.
Time: 12:45 p.m.
Internal voice: “Oh. You meant to call mom. She probably misses you. Nice job spending the last fifteen minutes on TikTok…”
Task: Work on homework.
Time: 3:30 p.m.
Internal voice: “I get that Jonathan finally responded to your text about that group project, but why do you feel the need to respond immediately? The project is not due for another 2 weeks.”
Task: Get ready for soccer practice.
Time: 6:32 p.m.
Internal voice: “What the hell man! Two minutes ago you just checked the time and saw it was 6:30. Why are you checking the time again!”
Task: Do something fun at night.
Time: 9:00 p.m.
Internal voice: “You’re not that important dude. That is probably your 58th phone pickup today, stop checking your phone. You’ve got no notifications.”
I mean, wow, our phones eat up so much of our time in the littlest ways. If I reduce the frequency of these little moments, I can free up more time for myself, allowing me to manage all of the daily things I love and enjoy and that make me busy, yet still have time for myself for genuine relaxation. If I see how much phones control me, recognize the useless pickups, notice the unconscious twitch to check for updates, catch the endless scrolls, spot the distractions from mobile tasks, deny the demand of our hyper-connected world that urges me to respond immediately — then, I can better manage my mental health.
It’s possible that I have just formed a negative relationship with my phone.
But, I don’t see my internal dilemma as unique. I don’t see my anxiety as a special case. I don’t see my relationship with my smartphone as anything but normal.
I see it as a natural effect of being immersed in a fast-paced world where technology dominates, a world where constant advancements in tech appear to increase efficiency for human behavior, but mask the detrimental effects on our health and individual agency.
Through all of this, I have come to realize that the devolution of technology may be inevitable.
Like many things, the world of technology will strive for equilibrium. Right now, it is chaos where technology is winning the battle against human willpower. The pendulum is swinging further from equilibrium each day.
Average screen time is rising. Algorithms that curate endless scrolls began with TikTok, and have expanded to Reels with Instagram, Shorts with Youtube, and Spotlight with Snapchat. Click-through rate (CTR) has been popular with old-fashioned email, but now this popularity has expanded into mobile apps where app developers are obsessed with reaction rates and CTRs of push notifications. At the same time, depression and suicide rates among youth continue to increase. We are slowly losing our personal agency, and it is only a matter of time before human willpower fights back.
When I say devolution of technology, I don’t mean that we will go back to the rotary phone or a lack of internet or that new technology will cease to develop. I predict that technology will find a better place in this world. It will find a place where humans still have control over their behaviors, health, and daily activities. It will develop a fair, healthy, and two-way relationship with humans. Eventually, the pendulum will hit its maxima and the world will swing back into balance.
In my fight against this imbalance, I am in an ongoing experiment to regain control. I’ve had trials with Do Not Disturb, Airplane Mode, turning off notifications, time limits on apps, deleting apps, grayscale mode, and banishing my phone to a different room. It’s even swung me too far past equilibrium in the opposite direction, leading to missed phone calls from family, failed deadlines, and unseen invites to social scenes. It is a tricky balance to figure out what is best for us with our phones, but acknowledging the grip it has on us is the first step.
Am I just getting older, about to graduate college, and am being slapped in the face by the “real world”? Do I have a strange longing for youth when flip phones, Game Boys, and playgrounds ruled the world? Who knows.
Possibly, I am just a normal 22-year-old with a smartphone and some battles with mental health.
So think about it, when will you put your mental health first? When will technology cross the line for you?
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